


Dear Lexa, Love Clarke.

by SkyPrincessCommanderBadass



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Clexa, Diary/Journal, F/F, Post-307, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:01:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7595461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyPrincessCommanderBadass/pseuds/SkyPrincessCommanderBadass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In six months, the ground will die due to radiation with the people in it. Once again they expect Clarke Griffin to save the world but she isn't in the right state of mind to do so. </p><p>Abby thought of a way to make Clarke cope, she asked her to try and write on a journal about her thoughts and feelings but instead of writing 'Dear Diary', Abby told her that she should write 'Dear Lexa'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_It's been three weeks since I last saw you. Of course you're dead and I'm having vivid dreams about you, my love. My mom told me that maybe a constant writing to you would help me. But fuck it, there are a few words in this journal and it is smudged by my tears already that I never knew was falling._   
  
_I miss you so much Lexa, it hurts so bad that I wasn't able to let you know that I love you a bit earlier. I hate that I wasted three months in the wilderness where I could have spent that with you. I hate that I wished to not see your face for a week when you captured me where I could have spent a week cherishing you. I hate that I was too hard on you, I hate that I did not trust you, I hate that it took me an hour before your death to accept that I was in love with you._   
  
_I guess this is enough for now. I still have a world to save out there. I love you and I will write to you soon. Though I wish you would reply, but I know you won't so... I don't know, I just want my mom to stop bugging me to do something to cope._   
  
_Clarke._


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_Jasper seems to be okay with me now. He let me borrow Maya's iPod telling me that it is what helped him, made him remember Maya through her favorite songs. I cried after he told me that and I locked myself in to my room. I cried because you are dead and I did not even get to know little things about you._   
  
_I don't know your favorite song, the kind of food you like, and the story of that tattoo on your arm._   
  
_The story of how you met Costia, how you fell inlove with her and I would be a little jealous and you will do anything to prove that she may be your first love but I am your greatest love._   
  
_I envy Jasper so much, in his short time with Maya he knew a lot about her, I wish I have done that with you Lexa. I wish I have tried to really get to know you..._   
  
_Clarke_


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_Octavia sat with me today at lunch. We talked a little about Lincoln, it made her sad but she went back to being stoic like the trained warrior she is. She reminds me of you, the way you keep your emotions to yourself._   
  
_She took me to go hunting outside the wall, a squid got caught on the net we placed on the lake we were in. It's hard to believe that we caught that, squids don't live in fresh waters. It made me miss you though, Indra told Octavia that squids are your favorite. I understand why, because they are delicious Lexa. But they bleed the same color just like you do, and I hate that it reminded me of the blood stains on my covers that night that you died._   
  
_I could have saved you. I could have found a way to save you. But I do know a way to end this separation and it's not pretty but who cares, I lost you and none of the things here mattered because you are not here._   
  
_Clarke_


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_Six months. Six months of fear of the radiation. A month and 2 weeks in and I still can't figure out how to deal with those radioactive plants that Alie talks about. Maybe she was right, maybe I should have taken the chip, maybe I would still be with you in the flame. I can't do this by myself Lexa. Everyone hates me, well not really but everyone looks at me like I am a murderer. Yes, I have murdered people but not with the blood on my hands. And I did it for them. I fucking hate the ungrateful sons of bitches._   
  
_Just like Murphy said: "Another day on the ground." I wish you would have known him. You will definitely like him. He's my flamekeeper now, though I don't have the flame in me but the people wanted me to lead them to salvation, saying that I am the closest one to the Heda, maybe I learned from you or something. I did learn from you Lexa. I learn how to be a good leader and decision maker, how to put the people's needs before your own and I learn how to love deeply and let them know without saying i love you._   
  
_I miss you Lexa, after I figure this out I promise I will see you again. Wait for me._   
  
_Clarke_


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear Lexa,_  
  
_I just had another dream about you. You did not die, it is actually a pretty good dream, what made me wake up is that your lips felt real, I am totally aware that it was a dream but I woke up hoping that your lips are really touching mine. But I guess not, I tried to fall back in to your arms again, but I can't. Not when I can still wake up from it._  
  
_A few more weeks my love, a few more weeks and I'll see you again._  
  
_Clarke_


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear Lexa,_  
  
_Bellamy just tried to kiss me today. He told me he can bring the light back in to my eyes. I turned him down but he insist I try to at least kiss him, I did, but I feel disgusted with myself. He was a dear friend, I get that he likes me that way but my heart belongs to just you Lexa. I can never love again, it is just you who I want._  
  
_He also offered a relationship with just sex because he said we needed that. He lost Gina, I lost you, we both need to cope, this is the only way he knows. I said no of course, it is tempting but I want to be bound to the last person who touched me. I don't want to erase the feel of your lips and finger tips all over my body._  
  
_I think I will have a more vivid reminder of your lips on me now that they have moved my things to the commander's quarters. I hope your bed still smell the same. I want to remember your scent Lexa. I want you to invade my senses again with your foresty musk. I wish I could._  
  
_Probably not because you're dead._  
  
_Clarke_


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_They wish for me to wear your shoulder guard, I don't want to. I told them that I would rather wear my flame keeper outfit than wear yours. I just don't want your scent to fade, I want to immortalize you by not wearing what you have worn as a commander because I will never be like you Lexa, you are a legend and I'm just a substitute to the throne._   
  
_I bet Luna would like to be Heda now especially with the peace we now achieved with Blood must not have blood. I wish she would take over now so I can go and see you already. Maybe if I beg, she would._   
  
_Clarke_


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_Raven found me while dangling my feet on the throne room balcony, she planned on scaring me but with the position I am in, she tried a gentler approach. She told me that she saw you in the city of light, you protected me. She said she was sorry that she hurt me when she was under the control of Alie. She was sorry that she did not try to know you, she said it was hard that I was the only one left to mourn you since Anya, Gustus and Titus died already. I told her that you would've like her and she would have liked you back because you two are different sides of the same coin, I believe that opposites attract Lexa. I just wish you were still alive and get along with my friends pretty well, especially with Raven. She and Murphy are the few ones who still believe in me._   
  
_I told her about the flame, asked her if she could somehow access the memory of you in there. She promised she would try to resurrect at least your memory in there, telling me that it will be interactive or something so I can still talk to you, or just hear your voice and see your face._   
  
_I hope she finish it soon, I would at least want her to help me before I go. I want her to at least think that she did something to help me wherein I know there is nothing that would make me okay but to be with you._   
  
_Soon Lexa. I will see you soon._   
  
_Clarke_


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear Lexa,_  
  
_I was right to see Luna again. She is convinced that she can be rightful to the throne now since we did a pretty good job in promoting blood must not have blood. She doesn't want to take the flame though, she want to start a new legacy where peace reigns and the past commander will surely haunt her if she tries to change the ways._  
  
_She's good. I bet she can think of a way out of this new problem and Skaikru would start following a leader that isn't you or me. Now I can leave them without hesitation since I was already relieved from my duty, all that was left to do is to write letters for my friends and mom and Marcus. I know they would understand that._  
  
_I'll see you in two days love, soon. Very very soon. I love you._  
  
_Clarke_


	10. Chapter 10

_Dear Lexa,_   
  
_I'm almost ready, I have written all the letters. I have spent my day with Mom yesterday, telling me I look refreshed. I spent my morning with my friends, Raven gave me a tablet with the flame connected to it. I get to talk to you and introduce you to all of my friends though you are just inside that screen. Raven did a pretty good job at making it._   
  
_I gratefully passed on my duties to Luna this evening, tonight we celebrate the new heda but I am here in the commander's quarters that Luna did not wish to posses because it was yours, mine, and ours alone, sitting on our bed and writing this for you._   
  
_At midnight I will kiss you goodnight on this tab that Raven gave me and tell you I love you and disconnect the flame from it and let it take the life in me._   
  
_I love you Lexa and I will see you soon. This is the last time I'll be writing because the next time I wake up, I will be in your arms. And I will stay there forever._   
  


_Love,_

_Clarke_


	11. Epilogue

Abby was woken up by the sudden opening of Marcus' room in Polis. The sound of it is too much, and she was sure she isn't wearing that much clothing. So much for partying last night. Her head throbs, she never had this kind of hang over in years.  
  
"What is it?" Marcus asked, the sentry that is standing on the foot of their bed is still catching his breath, his eyes wide in shock, not because of the naked couple on bed but because of what he saw in the commander's quarters.  
  
"Wanheda." He said, not sure how to put those in to one sentence. _The commander of death is dead_.  
  
The urgency of this intrusion made Abby and Marcus jolt out of bed. Marcus tossed Abby the nearest shirt he saw and put on the pants she was wearing last night, Marcus saw his pants at the foot of their bed and put it on, not bothering to wear a shirt.  
  
The couple ran out of their quarters, Abby following the sentry who lead the way to Clarke's quarters and Marcus knocking on to the door across the hall which belongs to Monty and Harper.  
  
Monty answered the door, scratching his eyes. "Clarke" Marcus said simply, Monty's eyes are now alert, beside him was Harper with the same expression.  
  
Marcus followed after Abby, while the other couple woke their other friends up.  
  
Raven was the last one to get in to the Commander's quarters. The sound of gasps and Abby's wail made her move in to the now crowded room.  
  
Abby was holding her daughter to her chest, the pool of blood made Raven think  that Clarke was killed but Bellamy's grip on her arm made her look up to the man.  
  
"The Flame. She took the flame." He whispered, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.  
  
Raven's knees weakens, making her fall to her knees. Her best friend is gone, she has no one. She lost Finn and now Clarke took her life to be with Lexa.

 

* * *

  
  
The pyre took place that night after they properly said their goodbyes to Clarke. Jasper, Murphy, Raven and Bellamy was last to leave the pyre and now they are seated on the stairs to the stage on the small plaza in Polis where Clarke's funeral took place.  
  
"We should have buried her instead." Bellamy starts, he feels that Clarke should be in a grave, constantly visited by the people who loved her.  
  
"I think she like the grounder way more." Murphy replied.  
  
"Clarke's more of a grounder than a sky person. She's Wanheda, she deserved this kind of funeral." Jasper said while shrugging.  
  
There was a dead silence, all of them reminiscing a certain memory with Clarke. The way she laughs, the way her blue orbs shine, the fact that she put her people first before her own, this is the first time that she choose her own needs.  
  
"Don't you think this is selfish? She took off and left us to fend for the horror of the future." Raven asked, bitterness clear in her voice.  
  
"It isn't." Bellamy replies. "We have all seen what that thing did to Emerson, it was creepy. Like he really struggled for life." He reached for Raven's hand that is balled inside her jacket. He caressed it to get the brunette's attention.  
  
"But with Clarke, you should have seen her Ray. She looked at peace, like she did not struggle with the pain the flame inflicted on her. She looked..." Bellamy tries to find the right word.  
  
"Relieved." Raven replied, earning a nod from Bellamy.  
  
Raven understood. Clarke is with Lexa now, chose her own need and it made her happy for her dead friend.  
  
She deserved this choice. She deserved to be free from this cruel world.


End file.
